Wednesday, March 16
even the days seem a little grey now. maybe it's the haze. i meant to be a good girl and finish reading up my history and maybe get at least one essay done. but oh no today had to be chores day. i will never live alone, simply because my entire house would deteriorate into a pig sty within weeks. i'd probably make tea out of the same pot for an entire year.
maybe i'm a little too high strung. maybe a bit too sensitive. but i don't want to take unfairness sitting down. hah i still remember the way i embarrassed the faint-hearted suckers of my class ie the guys by saying a lot of sarcastic things very loudly to the classes taking up too much space in lecture. luckily she wasn't there to see what i shrew i am when my rights are threatened. wait why do i even care? for obvious reasons, of course. i really want to tell her what i really think. what we really think. but i know it will achieve absolutely nothing except maybe a shouting match and perhaps my leaving in disgrace. great heavens.
my history book stares at me morosely. i stare back with a touch of resentment. he's not such a great writer you know! it's a leeeetle bit hard to comprehend what the bleep he's getting at.. his sentences are so long.. suddenly i pity all who read what i write.. i want to stand up and scream.. into the dark night.. make the air ring and throb with all the world's vented frustration. til the skies rain down drops of acid rain. kill all the living things. corrode the buildings, erode the past, burn little holes into our wasted hearts. i am less fire nowadays. no energy left to burn and destroy. less water. i refuse to budge from my worn-out little swivel-y chair. maybe more ice. i hope it's one of those things i go through every few years. if it's not, i'm going to slit my wrist and jump off a building with my bleeding hands tied behind my back. leaving a beautiful suicide note, of course, perfect in rhyming poetry. how ironic. i started out writing rather childishly lyrical poetry. now i use run-on lines.. because life runs on and on and it's so tiring, i want to take the shortcut out of this forest.. life's a treadmill.. you run on and on but you get nowhere.
i've gotta smack myself. i promise, absolutely promise to be myself on friday. i'll laugh, with no bitter undertones. i'll smile into cameras and run crazily around. i don't take pictures nowadays. before i had no problems smiling into cameras, my arm around my friends. but i realised something odd. from the start of the year, i've only taken one or two class pictures with my class. and only one more with a classmate i'm okay with. i don't take crazy random wild shots. i just hate taking pictures with them. it's like the flash of the camera steals a part of my soul away. because i'm not smiling genuinely. i refused to take a neoprint with them. they think i'm anti-social. esp when i missed jts and fac night. like i give a damn. i knew she wouldn't go, anyway. i suspect she's like me. why go somewhere you don't want to, with hordes of unknown people around you and the constant pressure of having to blend in. i admit i'm eccentric. van's right. we were so protected in 4/6. i don't mind being protected somehow. ignorance is bliss. we were so happy. and now i can never be. i tried to open up to them. but how do you open up to others who simply don't have the capacity to understand? right now the nunnery's very appealing.
it must've been love.
8:27 pm
xoxo
